Part 80: RuneScape is for Prick(ly Floor)s

Update 64: RuneScape is for Prick(ly Floor)s


Brooch and bluebird... Brooch and bluebird...
If you don't mind me askin', Zack, why're you repeatin' that?
I didn't get to finish reading one part of Colette's anthology, and I wanna make sure I remember these important things when I get back.
Which part are you reading? Is it the one where a bunch of identical mercenaries fight a war over gravel? I love that one!
Uh, no. Not nearly as funny. Actually, this one...well, these three, aren't funny at all.
What degree of "not funny" are we referring to here?
One scene a few chapters ago mentioned a timeline where humanity's completely exterminated in a "nuclear war," whatever that is.
I suppose we should be glad the apocalypse event one thousand years ago wiped out only most of the population on this continent...

Time for 27F, the least engaging floor design in the series.



Damn iiiiiit. Why these prickly floors again?


Thorned floors as far as the eye can see...

Yep, that dread in your stomach is entirely justified: 27F's gimmick is being a massively open field with tons of thorny floors. And no, that's not even the worst of it.



Oh yeah there's Asterii too, as if this floor wasn't fun enough.





King Shroom
HP: 925, STR: 55, TEC: 38, VIT: 41, AGI: 34, LUC: 39
Skills:

• Greedy Bite: Uses the head. Deals melee 100% STR-based bash damage to one party member, with splash damage. Reduces hit targets' physical defenses by 50% for 4 turns. Has an 80% speed modifier and 99 base accuracy.

Drops:

• Normal: Gold Spore. 45% chance. Sells for 1020 en. 1 needed to make Golden Gun (+141 ATK). 2 Crystal Vines and 5 Gold Spores needed to make Tormentor (+147 ATK).
  "The gilded spores of a giant mushroom. Its beauty is a stark contrast to its source."
  
• Ingredient: Meaty Cap. 1 given. 1 needed to make Caterpillar Casserole (Western Food 6; gives +1 retry after party is annihilated). 2 needed to make Shumai (Chinese Food 6; +80% petrify res). 1 needed to make Eastern Nishime (Japanese Food 6; forces all FOE and most boss encounters to be preemptive attacks).
  "A cap with a large mouth."

Damage resistances:
125% 100% 100% 125% 100% 100%
Disable resistances:
50% 100% 0% 50% 100% 100% 100%
100% 100% 100%
50% 100% 100%

King Shrooms are complete non-entities. They barely deal any damage and die to a stiff breeze.


Bloody Lizard
HP: 590, STR: 47, TEC: 42, VIT: 41, AGI: 41, LUC: 41
Skills:

• Affection Collar: Uses the head. Heals all enemies for 700% healing power, and increases their AGI by 100% for 4 turns. Has a 1% speed modifier.

Drops:

• Normal: Golden Horn. 35% chance. Sells for 1130 en. 1 needed to make Vorpal Blade (+158 ATK). 5 Blue Skulls and 3 Golden Horns needed to make Land Saker (+155 ATK). 10 Golden Horns and 6 Damascus Claws needed to make Full Plate (+88 DEF).
  "The unique golden horn of a Bloody Lizard. Used often in weaponry for its hardness."
  
• Conditional: Poisoned Hide (Kill while poisoned). 80% chance. Sells for 2070 en. 1 needed to make Divine Orb (+100 TP).
  "Soft lizard hide with poison-formed spots. Treating it with gems enhances concentration."
  
• Ingredient: Lizard Loin. 1-2 given. 4 needed to make Bamboo Sarmale (Western Food 6; party members recover 5% of damage they deal as HP). 5 needed to make BBQ Lizard (Chinese Food 6; +80% instant death resistance).
  "Healing white loin meat."

Damage resistances:
100% 100% 100% 50% 150% 100%
Disable resistances:
100% 100% 100% 100% 50%% 100% 150%
50% 100% 100%
100% 100% 100%

Its blood-red frills turn speckled when it's poisoned.

Kill Bloody Lizards first if at all possible. Affection Collar mercifully has a 1% speed modifier, but if it gets it off, you can see a lot of hard work undone...if you're not just nuking enemies down immediately.


Wish I could eat you, but we gotta go!

I ran for reasons I don't remember. It didn't involve Colette dying.




There really is basically nothing to this floor. It's just a giant field with damage tiles and Asterii spawn points.


This is the beefiest cauliflower I've ever seen.
Beefy as in size, surely.



There's stairs up peppering the entire floor, but only one of them actually goes anywhere useful.



This wasn't one of them.



Huh, actual progress.
We are nowhere finished with the map, however. Back we go!

This is, however.


Guess those Icy Bulbs don't just stick to the last floor.
MY FACE!
I'm guessing he ran into a wall.

Know what's even more fun than giant empty rooms? Giant empty rooms with fog.




As far as I'm concerned, these stairs are basically just ways to run away from Asterii.





Lord Saguaro
HP: 1619, STR: 60, TEC: 44, VIT: 47, AGI: 27, LUC: 45
Skills:

• Rejection Needle: Uses the arms. Counters physical damage with 150% melee STR-based stab damage to the source of damage. Has a 200% speed modifier and 99 base accuracy.

Drops:

• Normal: Withered Spine. 40% chance. Sells for 1220 en. 1 needed to make King's Armguard (+31 DEF, +20 HP). 10 needed to make Ichimonji (+178 ATK). 2 Forest Branches and 4 Withered Spines needed to make Shidgedou (+141 ATK).
  "A durable thorn the color of rotting wood. Be careful of its sharpness when carrying."
  
• Conditional: Crzed Stinger (Kill while panicked). 80% chance. Sells for 2150 en. 1 needed to make King's Collar (Beast ultimate armor; +109 DEF, +40 HP, _40 TP).
  "Unusual stinger that appears when confused. It's quickly shed, and is hard to obtain."

Damage resistances:
100% 50% 150% 50% 50% 50%
Disable resistances:
50% 100% 50% 50% 100% 100% 50%
50% 50% 100%
100% 100% 100%

A cyclopean cactus whose eye glimmers in the dark. It can fire off needles without any effort.

Lord Sauguari are pretty unremarkable. Bind their arms or just inflict any debilitating disable and they're harmless. The only annoying thing about them is their 50% resistance to all elemental damage.


Once you get past the thorns...it still tastes pretty bad! Ew ew ew.


I still want a piece of it for research.




There is legitimately nothing interesting about 27F. It's all just open plains and that one fog room, which took me over 30 minutes to completely map. You'll forgive me for just skipping it.

As compensation, 28F town dialogue.

...So? What do you think? Good...?
Erm, how do I put this? It tastes really, um...boneless?
A, that's not even a word you use to describe taste. B, it's delicious! What's wrong with your taste buds?!
This was actually made by my daughter. She said she wanted you all to have a taste. I knew she was a hard worker, but she's been doing everything she can lately. I'm sure she wants to help you. Haha, I suppose I should be thanking you! Oh, right... I should be calling you... Lumen, right? See, I remember your guild name. It's a lovely name, really! Maybe I should rename this place to the Lumen Inn.
Vanity aside, that does actually sound like a pleasant name.
Bahaha, I'm just kidding! Your faces! You're all still going into the Labyrinth and investigating it, right? Well I hope you'll still come and visit us. Quona and I will always be waiting to welcome you back!



Oh, Rheine, there's a piece of grass stuck in your hair. Eheheh...here, let me get it for you. There! I got it off.
Well, thank you.
Wow...this is a plant from the Labyrinth, right? Um...would it be all right if I kept it?
Sssssssssure, I guess... Why, though?
I-I'm serious! I-I mean, I've never been in the Labyrinth. Maybe it's just regular old grass to you, but it's something I don't get to see every day, and...and besides... Er...um...w-well, it's, uh...I-I just thought maybe I could feel a little like...like you do, when you're out exploring in the forest...
I don't see why not, even if it is a little weird!
None of us have the right to call anything weird, to be honest.
I-I mean, nevermind! Forget I said that! That must have sounded so weird...! I-I'll be working over there...so... Um, I hope I didn't come off as some weirdo, there...



You're only hearing about this now?
When you think about it, though, it seems pretty obvious. You found the fabled castle, and even solved its ultimate mystery. Why would they call you anything but heroes? When I think about it... I'm sending heroes off to do my errands. That's...a rather startling thought.



Hey, yeh're all famous now, but when yeh get even bigger in the world... Yeh better still come and visit me, or else! And don't forget it! Haw haw haw!
Of all the bars in the world, we walked into his...



Haughty doctor:

I'd say I'm rather unexciting, and my methods of exploration are thus similarly unexciting. That's simply my way, but... I didn't think that I would continue the exploration for this long. Should I preach my philosophy to the new adventurers that come to High Lagaard...? Perhaps I'll call it Slow-And-Steadyism. If that's the case, then I would be its founding prophet... O-Oh, just thinking of it gives me butterflies in my stomach... Rather than that, let's speak of the exploration. Have you run into Crazed Pumpkins? They appear while lurking behind walls... but while they're inside the walls, they can't seem to tell where you are. And on top of that, it can't attack you directly from inside the wall... Yes, one secured in a special position is not guaranteed advantage over others... Just as in life... Mm, did that sound sufficiently sagely...? Perhaps I might make a good prophet...

Goddamned pumpkins.

Leggy dark hunter:

Hey there, Lumen... You having fun taking on the monsters?
Not so much "taking on the monsters" as "eating the monsters," but yeah!
Mmhmhm...me too. It feels so good to have met up with such a strong guild! ...Well, that's what I want to say...but exploring is just such a hassle sometimes. Especially that trap that sends you somewhere totally different in the blink of an eye! It's just so annoying. Maybe there's a logic behind it. That's what our alchemist says, anyway, so I'm sending him off to go investigate.
Is that...advisable? I mean, I would hesitate to send Stardust out on her own...
Realga would kill you for doing that!
Hmm? Will he be alright on his own? Oh, don't worry. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself. Hmhmhmhm.



The best-laid plans:

Hey, could yeh lot take a look at that quest for me? I really recommend it.
You're not making us do your scutwork, are you?
What's with that look? I wouldn't just recommend yeh a dangerous, cheap, and dirty job, now would I? Y'see, they apparently found a mysterious rock in front of the Palace, and they put up a notice about it... And then they found out there's a place on the sixth stratum where the rock might be supposed to go. They say... if yeh put the rock where it belongs, yeh open a road to a new world, and a new life... In other words, yeh might find an entrance to a hidden room. So now it's up to yeh adventurers! The only problem is... we don't know where exactly on the sixth stratum this place is.
Sounds like a lot of annoyance for little reward.
What're yeh talkin' about? Yeh've handled worse stuff'n this, haven't yeh? Here, this is the rock from the Palace. G'luck!



It's kind of important that we do this, because it unlocks a postgame boss.

A life in the balance:

Yeh're just in time! We've got a problem--the innkeeper's daughter is missin'! The guard corps's out looking for her. Hurry and head to the Inn! Yeh should go listen to her story, and help out! We're counting on yeh!
B-but we just saw her! How could she go missing that suddenly?!
Hanna first, questions later. Actually, that last quest first, then Hanna, then questions.

Chasing the dream:

Look out, it's Lumen!
We don't appreciate being treated like those that we fight.
What, yeh don't like bein' treated like monsters? Haw haw haw! Sorry about that. Yeh came up while I was waitin', so I felt like sayin' it. This quest's meant for yeh. Remember when yeh went to meet that sharpener? He came and submitted a quest. Said he made some kind of promise with yeh... Well, I didn't actually see him or anythin'. The quest was just...suddenly there.
Do you know what he meant by "promise?"
Eh? Well, how would I know what he meant by the promise? Yeh're the ones he made the promise with--shouldn't yeh remember? Never mind... Anyways, bring him 3 Gold Spores, and...uh... What was the other? Oh, right, remember how yeh went to check out the geothermal activity? He wants yeh to bring the tablet yeh picked up then! He's waitin' at the place where yeh met him before, so get movin'! That's about it. G'luck!




Eh, Quona potentially being in mortal danger can wait. Let's talk to Marion and Dubois.

Do you remember back when you chose a name for your guild? It's been a while since then, hasn't it? I haven't fulfilled my promise from back then. I said that if you became a renowned guild, I'd ask the name's meaning...
Oh, right, that.
...What do you mean, “Oh, that"? A promise is a promise. So, out with it. What does Lumen mean to you?
I think Luca said it was just a word she saw in a script once.
...Oh. I see. So that's what it means. I...well, I suppose I imagined a much deeper meaning to it. Hm? No, it doesn't matter what I thought it meant! At any rate, I have now fulfilled my promise. It was weighing too heavily on my conscience to simply let a promise go unfulfilled. Truly, I was losing sleep over it.
I really hope you're just joking.
That is all I have to say. If you need nothing more, than I won't keep you further.



We have been scouring our records for information... But we have yet to find any. If something turns up, I'll alert you... Lady Gradriel ordered it herself. She told us that any peril you must face is something the whole nation must face. And to think explorers would win the heart of Lady Gradriel...my, my. What am I to do with her!
I hope you mean in the "friends" sense, and not in the...sense.
Sophie, what is the meaning of those bizarre eyebrow movements? Why are you shifting them up and down rapidly?
You've never engaged the eyebrows before? You should try it sometime, it's fun!
Under normal circumstances, of course, I would have to take some sort of action against such insolence... However, it would seem that none in the Grand Duchy have any objections to your significance to her... That includes myself, of course. Hahahaha! The Duke's Palace is certainly a fine home these days!




Let's start A life in the balance.

I'm afraid it's true... My little girl is missing. Oh, I'm so worried! But I mustn't panic... I have to stay calm. That's what being an innkeeper is all about. You came to help, didn't you? Thank you so much...
Do you have any information on where Quona might be?
Oh, yes! The details...ah...but I'm afraid I honestly don't know what exactly happened... When I woke up this morning, my daughter was gone. She still hasn't come back, and nobody in town saw her... Do you have any ideas?
She mentioned flowers the last time we saw her.
Flower...? Now that you mention it, I remember too! Something about having made flower pins at the place you took her to, or how it withered so she has to make a new one... Does that mean...she went to go find the flowers? ...Can you go to that place on the 14th floor that you went to with Quona, just to see if she's there?
As soon as we take care of the sharpener's request, we will head straight down. You have my word.
I see. It is a dangerous place, after all... I'll leave it to your judgment. I can't think about how that girl must be feeling...in a place like that... Please, please...please find my baby girl...






...Well, that's some text that just got copy-pasted from EO2.

(Chasing the dream took place in the 5th Stratum in EO2. It involved having to wait 24 in-game hours before he finished. Yes, it was really goddamn stupid.)


SYSTEM: As you try to think of a polite response to the question, the man cuts in abruptly.
That sword... Didn't you find it in the forest of the gods? You took it without asking!
Um.
SYSTEM: You stand and stare frozen in shock at his unexpected accusation! He peers at you to gauge your reaction, then giggles.
Ah, who cares? You wanted it, didn't you? We called that sword the God's Key in my village... Or so I heard. The forest is getting more dangerous these days... Maybe our god is angry? Know anything about it?
SYSTEM: He stops talking for a moment, and lets out a large sigh.
But who cares? Let me try my hand at that sword. Did you bring the stuff I asked for?
Y-yeah, here.
SYSTEM: Though his mood swings confuse you, you take the Red Tablet and Gold Spore from your pack.
Great! Fantastic. Give me a while... It shouldn't take too long.
SYSTEM: The man grabs the materials from your hands and begins gathering his scattered equipment.



SYSTEM: The man's face is clouded as he hands the sword back to you.
I thought this scale'd work on any sword... Maybe the Gold Spore doesn't pack enough punch... Oh, are you still here? You can go now. See you.
SYSTEM: The man then lays flat on the floor, muttering under his breath as if pondering something. The rust and the grime have been scraped off, but the sword is still far from being sharp. You put it into your backpack and leave the area.





Ahh, yeh lot are back. How'd the quest go?
Can't say I've ever had someone want to sharpen equipment for free...
Eh? He wanted to sharpen yer sword for free? Now there's a rare bird... That's the sort who lives for his work. His real payment is his own satisfaction. The opposite of me, in other words! I'd much rather work for money--it pays for my hooch! Wouldn't yeh lot agree? Anyways, here's the reward. Thanks a lot!






To close out the update, here's one food thing.

Twice-Cooked Meat gives dead party members a 5% chance of reviving at the end of a turn. It's complete garbo.

Next time: we save Quona. It might involve a dragon. Actually, scratch that, it definitely involves a dragon.